Realizations

today was our division holiday party. I'll touch on how everyone is offended by EVERYTHING at a later date. But anyway. We had pizza delivered, an ugly sweater contest (4 people participated) and a dessert competition, the norm. But every time I find myself in these situations, I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I don't want to sit in there, I don't do well with small talk, I don't really have anyone that wants to sit with me or be associated with me. I've come to the conclusion it must be me. I'm bad at faking it. I'm bad at pretending to have fun when I'm clearly not. I don't get along with people that tend to sabotage me at work, so why am I going to be friendly and converse with them? Makes no sense, right? Maybe if I were friendlier or could actually fake it, I'd be happier? Probably not. Being fake isn't who I am.
I've lost friends. Who hasn't? Is it my fault? Maybe. Mostly I get tired of people lying or pretending or Faking it. You can tell the people that either only hang out with you because they feel "bad" for you, or the people that think they can get things from you. I want to hang out with people that value my time and, most of all, me. It feels awful to be taken advantage of. I'm crafty. I always try to help others, but when the only reason you're visiting with me is because you need me to make/do something, I get tired of it. Friendships, like any relationship, are a two way street.
I can't even count the number of times I've tried to make plans with friends who never get back to me and then pull the "oh my! We should get together" on social media. What's the purpose? I'm also thinking of stopping my Facebook again. I'm so over it. Most of my "friends" didn't reach out in the past 2 years when I deactivated last time so why does it matter now? Again, maybe I'm not putting in an effort? I make the initial contact, I reach out, but no reply so I stop. Then the little comment comes again and I'm back on the self doubt wagon again.
It's a viscous cycle and honestly, I don't care anymore. I have my husband, my boys, my family and very few friends. Isn't that ok?
All of this is cropping up because we have an after work holiday party tomorrow at a hotel.. I always feel out of place. ALWAYS. I don't belong. And that's ok. I have only a select few people at work that I want to talk to. I'm a loner. I always have been. I flit from circle to Circle with no place to call "home." Just like high school. Maybe I'm better at this faking it thing than I give myself credit for.
#pityparty
I don't really talk to anyone. And the people I do talk to, I talk about the boys. And who really wants to hear about them all the time. But they're really what I live for. I talk about the tiny tyrants like everything they do is bad, but all I want to do it snuggle and play and be with them.

All I've come up with, in the end, is that the common denominator is me. Maybe I need to change.

I'll give it some thought.

This is also the post I was thinking of before I published my last post. 2 posts in one day! I think I've met my personal goal for the week!!

XO